Ten pick up lines you should not even try!

On a lighter note 😀

It’s a Friday evening. You’re hanging out with your friends. It’s a crowded bar and you’re heading back to your table after having been nestled, rather unwillingly, in the armpits of those who are taller than you (in my case, that makes it everyone) after placing your drink order. You’re stepping back to take a breather and counting the seconds till the LIIT could be yours to nurse, when this dude says, “Hey, you should have been a basketball player, it would have helped you today!”. You look up, hoping that the look on your face is not mistaken for that of polite indifference, when this dude goes for a strike two, “You’re so short, that’s why I said so. But I bet they call you S&S? Short and sweet?”. You turn away with a huff, not wanting to spend energy to react, but you pause to tell him, “That just did not work, buddy. And I could take you down in a one-on-one anytime. Bet you dribble very well!” and you walk away.

Wait, that would apply if you played basketball too for your school despite being 5 foot tall. That was your classic example for “backhanded compliment that’s really an insult.” A detailed incident to illustrate what I intend to keep as a short sweet (not that word again!) post about the pickup lines you just shouldn’t try. I don’t know if you are one of those guys who reverently follow Barney Stinson from the sitcom “How I Met Your Mother”, but I would like really sit down with you and talk about your success rates, because all my gal pals out there state that they just.don’t.work. Lest they are on the lookout for punching bags, because in that case, you’ll totally be “hit” on!

Here’s a list of pick up lines, which you need to avoid, in ANY order!

10. “Was it love at first sight, or should I walk by again”
Don’t blame the failure of this one on the poor lighting of the place where you’re trying to pick up a chick at. It sounds pretentious and a lot like you are full of yourself. Confidence is always a turn on, but too much of it, is just not appealing.

09. “Is it hot in here, or is it just you?”
Ask this to a hard core Bangalorean girl, and she’s going to start reminiscing about days with better weather. Besides, this is just so clichéd that it needs to be buried.

08. “If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me”.
Because there’s nothing more that we enjoy than being objectified. Also, you sound rather sleazy.

07. “Is it Diwali? Because I see a lot of sparks flying between us”
Wait a second, this isn’t that lame, but it sounds so corny, doesn’t it? Dang, I ruined your chances of actually using this one someone, because they know it wouldn’t be original anymore. Credit: YouTube, Channel name: ||Superwoman||

06. “You must be really tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day”
Now this is just illogical, you’ve just met me, how can you state all day? Try tweaking that to, “You must be really tired, you just sprinted through my mind”, but that might be a dig at my fitness levels, so don’t do it.

05. “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
This is urgh-so-corny. Or if you followed that with, “I have a little Volini for that”. No. It still wouldn’t work.

04. “Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?”

No. Not this one. Nothing more offending that someone counting on alcohol for a person to make a bad judgment. Scratch that, it’s just offending!

03. “Is there a magnet in here baby, because I am attracted to you”
Cheesy, lame, and nerdy in a bad way. And yes, there is a nerdy in a good way, but that’ll make a post for another day.

02. “Hey baby doll, wanna come on a ride with me?”

No. You simply cannot use this one. It’s so lame that it hurts. It hurts me that your brain cells operated to produce that one. Have you seen the traffic out there?

01. “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together”
This is over used! And with really limited success, my friend. Stray away from this one, no English Pundit is going to take your suggestion seriously, and sadly, neither is that girl you’re using it on.

It does take a lot of bravado to walk up to someone and use any kind of line on them; good on you for that. But more often than not, merely saying hi, should get the ball rolling. Are there any pick up lines that have worked really well for you? Have you ever used a Barney Stinson line and actually gotten somewhere with it? And girls, ‘fess up, is there any line that had any degree of success and didn’t result in you walking off in a huff? Comment away!

Bangalore showers and all that it entails

I suffer from withdrawal symptoms due to not having posted anything since the last few days. Perhaps that is an indication that I must write! With nearly every other conversation with every other person revolving around the pleasant showers we are experiencing in Bangalore since the last three days, I think I must type my thoughts on it too. I resisted temptation to put up a status message on Facebook for the same, since it was flooded with similar messages. And apparently, around Sarjapur side of town it flooded a bit too. Nothing to be alarmed, not a new story for anyone who is now seasoned to a bought of rains in Bangalore.

I recall an article I wrote for the school newspaper in the 9th grade. It was the monsoon season, and ten years ago, it was bountiful,predictable and still capable of creating a havoc (although this one time our exams were cancelled due to it, for which we thanked the rain gods ). The content would not have to be altered much to suit the present day, as I still crave to eat those very items – samosas, boiled corn, the company of my cycling buddies, the appreciative sounds from my folks as they sip on a hot beverage of their preference. But somethings have changed ten years since that post. My folks may or may not be around, or those cycling buddies. But great weather somehow stirs the poetic soul of mine, and I simply long for the company of a particular someone. There is something about fantastic weather which simply should not be experienced alone. There was this one fantastic evening in June, 2008, when I was in a park with my Grandad and my Networks notes. I was in the 6^th semester of college, and I needed a change in scene to revise better. There had been a pleasant shower just before we stepped into the park, and lo and behold! There was a dazzling rainbow too! I still have a photo of it somewhere, clicked on my K790i, but I cannot locate it now, besides, it did not do justice to how beautiful it looked. But I can close my eyes and instantly be transported to how I felt. I had this longing for the presence of my cycling buddies, namely K and V. I equate a huge part of my childhood to these two, and there is no one else on the planet who knows how much we enjoyed the sounds of a basketball dribbling on a wet basketball court, a slight chill in the air, a glorious rainbow overhead, which you’d notice only when you send the ball soaring in the skies (and hopefully into the basket). But at the same time, I inexplainably felt this longing for this person I was crushing on. It was an intense feeling, that the happiness I had in my heart due to the weather would be complete only if I shared it with him. I just had to text him! I wrote something rather intense and tried to sound all nonchalant in the end of the text stating that a cloud above was shaped like a bum. It was actually a very sweet exchange, I can recollect the exact words. I can smile myself silly to this day at that recollection. In the four years that we dated, there were days with lovely weather, but not one as distinctly glorious as the day I realized that I had fallen in love with him.

A bunch of my friends and I have a private joke going on about good weather “awesome mausum” all thanks to one recent, mutual day of weather admiration that lead to a midweek night out, and tremendous sleep deprivation the next morning for most of the people involved. But the spontaneous manner in which we met up that evening, at odd hours and even stranger transport arrangements, piping hot kachoris (that S and I did not get to eat, sadly) and ginger or elachi tea, a few rounds of Table Tennis, a long convincing session as to why we must not waste any hours of the wonderful night sleeping, then heading over to R’s place, A cooking scrambled eggs with toast at 2 in the morning, watching Delhi Belly, sleeping a few winks and then prank calls to other friends the next morning, followed by breakfast at McDonalds. Eventful, all instigated by excellent Bangalore weather. We were filled with mirth at being in each other’s presence, the wonderful feeling that is simply attributed to “being with friends”. Funnily enough, I don’t think we spent much time actual being outdoors to enjoy the weather, but it served as great pretext. This group has taught me that any plan that is planned, never works out and that obscurity and spontaneity reign supreme. Plans that emerge from such “lack of planning” are invariably the ones you enjoy the most. Cheers to that!

Now when Bangalore was enjoying respite from the heat a few days ago, I found myself with a cup of hot chocolate on my balcony, the sources of light being the occasional thunder and my phone’s screen glowing. After deliberations with myself and my darn feelings, I’d pinged the person I was so longing for to be with me in my balcony. Sharing the same feeling of wind in the hair, the silent, but loud, long glances at each other, the blush of the cheeks due to those glances, only to be calmed by the slight sprinkle of the rains, the aroma of the wet earth hitting us and intoxicating us in a manner no spirit ever could. I am trying so hard to come back to ground zero after having taken that leap of faith. There’s nothing too splendid about unrequited love. It’s a bitch, for the most part. For the rest, it gives you a validation that yes, your heart that was horribly broken before, its mending enough to feel this way for another person. There could have been many things I would have advised my heart+brain before it took this plunge – wear a parachute! Make sure he’s worth your love! Make sure it’s for keeps this time around! HA! That sound you all heard? Was me laughing at the sheer stupidity of even suggesting those things. Falling in love is not a calculated move. It an absolute gamble, where you are always playing blind. And as much as you might tell yourself that there are many fascinating fish in the sea, there’s just this darn one tugging so hard at my string. This one’s sometimes swimming far away, sometimes drowning me with his affectionate looks, then quite literally making me drown in my own questions about HOW I should feel about him. But I smile at this roller coaster of emotions. I smile at that silly being who has plunged me into this confusion. I smile, for I know that it’s a farce, I know I am in love with him. While I would love to see that smile mirrored on that beautiful face, lit up by the flashes of light, moistened by the rains; or not see it at all, because I would have my face buried in an embrace; it’s okay, I tell my heart. We’re healing, that’s all that matters. But darn you, Bangalore showers!

PS: this post was in my draft for quite a while, we are feeling the oppressive heat again. The beverage has changed in my hands, but the desire – has not changed a bit. I have no photo to dazzle a reader with, but then again, its the heart that “captured” the rains, not a camera lens!

On the subject of FISH and DUCKs

“Fish man! Missed again!”,yelled my senior Faran, as the basketball bounced away from him, after having barely missed the basket. There were a lot of basketball matches coming up for the boys’ team to compete in and being one of the best players, Faran was training hard. As his fans and keen observers, many of the girls’ team members watched him from the bleachers. Some took pointers on his layups, majority on his dimples, and me, on his language. Being in the 7th grade, the word used by him “fish” was new to me. Profanities were limited to the good ol’ monkey, donkey, stupid, idiot. Neither did I identify fish as a bad word. Having sat there, watching the boys’ team practice hard, I witnessed many amazing baskets, and watched some near misses, some that soared over the board, missing their target completely. All of the latter were accompanied by liberal usage of the word fish. Hence my mind made the connection that one used the word when they failed to score a shot. Not having evolved too much from my ancestors, I aped them while missing a crucial basket while playing a one-on-one with my junior, Prateek. Now this kid came up to my chin and his brown beautiful crown of hair gave a misleading appearance of a halo. He was far from being an angel, and his big pretty eyes always twinkled with mischief before he swore at you or made fun of your very existence. The word I used stopped in his tracks, right before he could start his victory dance. He said, “What did u just say?”. “Fish”,i replied. “Do u even know what it means?” he asked. “It’s a basketball term for when you miss a basket”, came my reply. And that triggered guffaws from this tiny fellow, and watching his body shake in mirth made me want to kick him in the shin. “No! Fish is what people do to have kids! Oh my God, u seniors are such stupid brainless fishers!” Taken aback, I somehow mustered enough strength to collect my basketball and stormed out off of the basketball court.

This was nearly at the end of 7th grade, and in one particular session in class, I was selected to keep score for the oral test that would see the columns of students in my class vying for the highest score. So you had team A, to which I belonged, team B, to which my arch-enemy Suresh T belonged and team C, which does not have anything to do with this story. The test started, and the teacher posed a question to each team, and I maintained the scores on the blackboard. Half way into this game/test I think I accidently-on-purpose gave my team an extra point, prompting ST, the only person who noticed this, to literally jump off his seat and he yelled,”Ma’am! Priya is cheating! She gave extra points to her team!” The teacher turned around, looking a little confused and asked me to rectify it. I did so, and heard my team sigh. Oh well, at least I had tried! When team B’s turn came, I awarded them one point lesser, just for fun, and ST was about to yell again. I mouthed “Fish Off”. And that being the first time anyone in the history of 7th grade used the word Fish (or mouthed it), he sat frozen in his seat, a hand covering his agape mouth. I don’t recall exactly to whom he complained, if it was my class teacher or the one in the room, but my year went downhill from there. I was summoned to the teacher’s cabin and was asked who taught me that word. I said that the seniors used it all the time. So one of those really annoying house captains came to our class and tried to explain to my class teacher and all my peers that they would never use such a word and blah blah blah. The little elephant was liked a lot by all the teachers, so they bought the story. I was shunned by my classmates, and I don’t think anyone spoke to me after that. Until that point, I was a pet of all the English teachers in the school, but one particular one was very fond of me. She had a husband in the military, and had a commanding style. She now gave the dirtiest looks possible and did not change her behavior towards me for nearly 2 years after that. That hurt me the most. I had my rebel streak the highest at that point, only to peak again in the tenth grade, but life was really hard then. All because of a dumb word I used.

Of course things got better the next grade, since I was in another section. But this gets me wondering, where did the rest of my friends pick up this word? And use it for the first time? Only when I am really pissed do I use it to convey my state of being pissed off. This one time, perhaps 3 weeks ago, a stupid lady on a Scooty banged into my car as I was about to take a U-turn. I was enraged, because I think the blinking indicator that was flashing on the sides of my car, meant that I was about to turn. My motor mouth yelled at her, saying, “You fishing woman! Can you not see the indicator? Who the hell gave you a license? You dumb ass!”, this being a mild version of what I actually said. It would not really make a dent in my conscience (thanks to the lovely dent she made in the car) if it was not for my mom sitting in the passenger seat. She was mortified and disgusted at my choice of words, and said so in many words, each making me wince in shame. That’s another time I really regretted using the F word in its entirety, if not in vain.

I’d rather use freaking,effing,fish in its place. The wise tall one has also on several occasions reprimanded me for using the actual version of the word. This really gets me thinking, there are some people out there who use this word so liberally and actually consider it a cool thing to use the word. Call me backward or immature or plain boring, for not using this word as often as there are scams in India. I have learnt the hard way that using the word rhyming with duck is not acceptable, unless you really are up to something under the consent of the king! 😉